Grand Theft Auto V: Michael’s 10 Funniest Quotes

Michael De Santa has some of the funniest quotes and most sarcastic lines of dialogue in Grand Theft Auto V, making his franchise debut in the game a truly memorable affair. Rock Star Games gave Michael, One of the three main protagonists in GTA V, the most interesting characterization and nuanced shading. He’s a sardonic, retired bank robber whose life in the Witness Protection Program cannot provide the satisfaction he found in a life of crime.


Whereas Franklin is defined by his coolness and Trevor by his devil-may-care attitude, Michael’s rage-fueled sarcasm and incredibly short temper lead to the funniest moments in the game, be it while insulting his criminal cohorts, evading police, playing tennis, doing yoga, and more ridiculous scenarios in Grand Theft Auto V.

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“You… Are A Hipster! I Hate Hipsters.”

Michael Tells Trevor How He Feels About Him

By the early 2010s, America had been oversaturated with hipster TV shows and other hipster pop culture, and an amusing running gag in GTA V includes Michael expressing how much he detests Trevor’s “hipster” lifestyle. Funnier than the time he once called Trevor a “proto-hipster” is the instance when the two were in a high-speed chase. Michael couldn’t hold back and erupted with derision about Trevor being a hipster.

While Trevor may mildly fit the bill as a “hipster” in some subtle ways, he is hardly a classic hipster, which makes Michael’s misguided insolence and insults even funnier. Trevor is clueless about what Michael is trying to say about him, making Michael’s final salvo, “Classic hipster denial,” a hilarious tag.

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“Go To College. Then You Can Rip People Off And Get Paid For It. It’s Called Capitalism.”

Michael Voices His Opinion On The American Dream

Michael and Frankin chat poolside in GTA V

Every great joke contains a kernel of truth. In GTA V, Michael is more self-aware than most and has no illusions about the world in which he lives. When Franklin shows his naivety, Michael sets the kid straight with a funny yet cynical line about education and business.

Beneath the hilarity of calling out capitalism for being ruthless and unforgiving, and likening college to a corrupt institution that will pay handsome criminal dividends down the line, the quote captures Michael’s protagonism in GTA V. Trevor may be a fan favorite, but Rockstar Games spent the most on Michael’s character and the cutting quote proves why.

“I Feel Like I’m Channeling Bulls— Right Now.”

Michael Express His Feeling About Yoga

Michael does yoga in GTA V

Few things are funnier than watching Michael interact with his wife’s flirtatious yoga instructor, Fabien. During a yoga exercise he’s forced into, Michael utters the quote, with voice actor Ned Luke’s brilliant line delivery standing out.

In addition to rejecting the benefits of yoga, what really makes the line so funny is the hilarious context and follow-up action. Moments after he says it, Michael finds Fabien and his wife in a lewd pose. He flies off the handle and attacks Fabien, only to stumble and fall into the swimming pool. Despite being wronged, the Tarantino-esque character of Michael ends up looking like the foolish one, which makes the original quote even funnier.

RELATED: Trevor’s 10 Funniest Quotes In Grand Theft Auto V

“Kill Me. I Need Something To Talk To My Shrink About.”

Michael Gets Self-Reflective

Michael aims a gun at night in GTA V

Michael delivers entertaining quotes whenever he is in a gunfight, often using his trademark sarcasm and irony to make his point. In one instance, he implores an enemy to put him out of his misery while taking a swipe at his therapist.

Michael’s recurring therapy visits usually shed light on his fears and anxieties, with his reluctance to share his feelings providing several funny moments. Aside from the silly notion of being able to communicate his feelings when he’s dead, the quote shows that, deep down, Michael has a poetic and clever way with words and prefers death to therapy, a la Tony Soprano’s relationship with Dr. Melfi.

“Sarcasm Is All I’ve F—ing Got.”

Michael Knows Where His Strengths Lie

Trevor and Michael argue indoors in GTA V

In one of Michael’s best cutscenes, he expresses self-awareness about his underlying defense mechanism: dripping sarcasm. He and Trevor argue the merits of his personality, and he doubles down with hilarious vim and vigor.

Continuing the quote with a profane insult, Michael’s self-admission is delivered with amusing ferocity but also hints at a troubled individual hiding behind a seething well of sardonic rage. Trevor and Franklin wear their emotions on their sleeves, but Michael can communicate his repressed feelings only with biting sarcasm. The irony of this hilarious quote is that Michael is not being sarcastic in his defense of sarcasm. His personality depends on it.

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“I Just Smoked Pot. I’m Going To Die. To Die. To Die. What’s Death?”

Michael Regrets Getting High

Michael holds a bong in GTA V

Thanks to the video game voice actor, Michael’s most amusing moments come after smoking Jimmy or Franklin’s cannabis and begins hallucinating out with a nonsensical inner monologue. In one instance, Michael begins waxing philosophical on the meaning of death in a hyperventilating freakout.

Michael’s love-hate relationship with cannabis is comedy gold. One minute, he’ll scream at a driver who crashes into him by saying “F—ing stoner p—-, RV a–hole.” The next minute, he’ll say he needs to get more cannabis. His quote about death is part of a lengthy diatribe that concludes with, “I’m a death turd. I’m the turd of death,” proving how ridiculous his mindset is when high.

“I Never Knew I Hated Myself So Much.”

Michael Sobers Up

Michael is inebriated in GTA V

Michael sobering up from his alien hallucinations almost always leads to hysterical quotes and quips. One time, Michael said, “I’m starving and miserable” after coming down, which is almost as funny as his self-deprecating dose of humor.

The self-critical introspection Michael undergoes when coming down is another brilliant piece of character development that gives shading and nuance to his personality. He isn’t just a man of sarcastic rage. He is also honest enough with himself to know when he’s being loathsome, even if cannabis helps get in touch with such feelings. Afterward, he usually goes right back to therapy, which is an amusing running gag in itself.

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“I Hear Stockholm Syndrome Is Nice This Time Of Year.”

Michael Shows His Clever Side

Trevor and Michael stand behind Patricia in GTA V

Despite his good side, Trevor kidnaps Patricia and takes her to a remote cabin where the two being to bond. Michael arrives and witnesses the peaceful hostage situation. Once Patricia mentions “beautiful things” in the garden, Michael fires back with his pithiest witticism of all.

Nobody has ever accused Michael of being a silver-tongued linguist, yet during the memorable scene, he shows how clever he can be with his sarcastic sense of humor. The wordplay involved in describing Stockholm Syndrome as if it’s a vacation destination is a brilliant way of expressing Michael’s mordant sensibilities. The quip is also funny because it’s so out of left field.

“You Are One Nasty F—!”

Trevor and Michael talk in the kitchen in GTA V

The funniest quotes from Michael in GTA V‘s single-player story mode include profane insults, a motif that underscores his hot-tempered personality. Whether barking such lines as “There is no f—ing point to you” or “You’re an irrelevant p—-,” Michael’s wrathful outbursts are silly and succinct.

Michael’s funniest in-character insult includes his trademark line, “You are one nasty f—,” which often comes without provocation or an accurate assessment of who he is insulting. Whether berating Trevor or a Sheriff on the street, it usually comes out of nowhere and registers as a random non-sequitur that instantly causes laughter. The more he says it, the funnier his character becomes in GTA V.

“Jesus, Mind My Heart, Please.”

Michael Begs For Mercy

Michael plays tennis in GTA V

Not much is funnier than watching Michael leave his money-making schemes to play tennis, including hilarious huffing and puffing when he loses and braggadocio when he wins. When long rallies occur, he finds a humble middle ground and asks for help from above.

Like always, the pitch-perfect line delivery from actor Luke makes the quote so funny and unforgettable. Michael is not the religious type whatsoever, yet he has no qualms about tapping into his convenient spirituality in times of need when it comes to his health. The only thing funnier is the profane version, “Jesus, will you f— up, please?” when enduring long tennis rallies, perfectly capturing Michael’s hysterics in Grand Theft Auto V.

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